Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
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I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.