I think my mom just blocked me
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Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
My license has hair and eye color listed as “BRO” and I’m like… 😎 I know right.
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.