What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
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We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
my name if I was in the mob
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.