The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
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bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.