“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
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*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
I’m confused about plants
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
We need more people like this.
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
Have kids, they said
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.