I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
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Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*