HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
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Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn