A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
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My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
me when I see my crush
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.