After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
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Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.