WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
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Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
Best mom ever 😂
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.
Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon