There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
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I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
back to work
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.