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He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
SPONSORED POST: Tide Pods. Remember when we seemed like a big problem?
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
This is my favorite one of these!
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.