Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
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[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
Mornin
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself