ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
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Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
Check your privilege
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.