Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
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Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING