I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
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Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.