Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
You Might Also Like
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
Is this the real life?
Is this just
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid