[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
You Might Also Like
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.