Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
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Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.