My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
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We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”