I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
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I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
dogs can find happiness so easily
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
I’m crying im so happy for them
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.