“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
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Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
Canadian owl: Eh?
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
Here’s a meme
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.