My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
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Don’t snitch tag.
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
(Jupiter –
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video