5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
You Might Also Like
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please