Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
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Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
There is no “ea” in Tim.
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
Mad Max: Furry Road
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.