Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
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Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
Still my favourite meme.
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
North and South
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
#Caturday