Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
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If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
How your email finds me
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
i smell a pulitzer
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom