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Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty