[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
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centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot