3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
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Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.