ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
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Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
The Book. The Movie.
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.