I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
You Might Also Like
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
This Tweet from @gnuman1979 has been withheld in response to a report from the copyright holder. Learn more.