I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
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Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
They also CAN sing✌️
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”