me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
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[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas