VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
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“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
my dad has had enough
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru