Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
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My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
j o i m p
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*