When you’re Kinky but poor
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Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
Did…did a minotaur write this
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
a fate I wish upon no one
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
Dishonest mechanic?
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
can’t catch a break
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.