When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
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priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
My neck, my back, my…
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”