You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
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What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings