Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
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I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.