My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
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When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
Tammy is short for Tamuel
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”