My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
You Might Also Like
anyone else like Italian cereal
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
I occasionally drink every single night.
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.