WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
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Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
When the stylist spins you back around
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
Not messing around
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
Meow
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.