My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
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According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
*swipes right on my hand mirror
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no