Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
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National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother