me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
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came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
I get distracted pretty eas
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion