At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
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[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100