This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
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me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
iPhone X
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
When you let grandma cat sit
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.