Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
You Might Also Like
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
The way time stretches between the moment you put your hands under the air dryer and the realisation it is in fact a paper towel dispenser.
March 16
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.