Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
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life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
Me irl
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
new year update: losing everything but weight
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}